When the co-parent is abusive, family court can become another site of harm. Here’s how you can help—every day.
Understanding What the Family Court Is Meant to Do
The UK family court exists to protect the welfare of children. But in cases of domestic abuse, it often falls short. Survivors are frequently retraumatised in court, with abuse minimised or ignored. A 2020 Ministry of Justice review described the system as “retraumatising and unsafe,” especially for women and children. Knowing this helps you support your loved one with compassion and clarity.
The Family Court System’s Failings
Supporting someone starts with understanding what they’re up against. The family court often prioritises a child’s relationship with both parents—even when one is abusive. Allegations may be dismissed as “parental alienation,” and survivors are often forced into unsafe contact arrangements. Read survivor stories, reports, and charity guidance from places like Women’s Aid or Rights of Women to understand the system’s risks.
Know the Top 5 Ways to Offer Support
1. Believe their experience—even when the court doesn’t.
2. Help with practical tasks—like sorting documents or tracking dates.
3. Offer emotional space—listen without judgment or advice.
4. Stay consistent—ongoing presence matters more than perfect words.
5. Care for yourself, too—you’re part of their support structure.
Recognise the Emotional Toll
Family court can retraumatise survivors. It’s not just legal—it’s personal, raw, and invasive. Symptoms of trauma may intensify: panic attacks, dissociation, low mood. Watch for signs of distress and gently encourage rest, support, or therapy, without pressure. Your calm presence can make all the difference.
Create an Everyday Care or Self-Care Package
Support doesn’t stop on court days. A small, ongoing care package can bring comfort and stability. Ideas include:
– Comfort items: soft socks, herbal teas, a grounding object
– Emotional support: handwritten notes, playlists, affirmations
– Mental health tools: journal, art supplies, calming apps
– Nourishment: snacks, meal vouchers, a flask for warm drinks
– Practical help: shared calendar, “this week I can…” coupons, document folder
– Self-care for you: schedule breaks, connect with others who understand
Ask them what they need—then respond with steady, loving action.
Safe, Steady Support
You don’t need to fix the system—just be someone they can rely on. With knowledge, care, and gentle presence, you can become a confident, trauma-informed support, even when the process feels unfair. That’s what survival can look like..
Call to Action:
Tell us about your self-care package to inspire others.
It’s the small, thoughtful acts that carry people through long, difficult roads.
Tamsyn Blackman
THIS is perfect. Every word is true from
someone who has spent the last 5 years in the family courts. I’m now dealing with the aftermath of the emotional financial and mentol toll that years in the court system takes upon a survivor of abuse. This a valuable post which I will be sure to share with others, thank you!
Red
Thank you so much Tamsyn. I am really honoured by your comment, I wish I had known this before. I would have definitely y followed this advice, but it’s something I dey or two learn yesterday. I am sorry I didn’t think of it before.
Sarah
Very good advice. A grounding/emotional first aid box is a handy tool to create too.. inside put something for each of the senses and something that can help to distract the mind and keep hands busy. For example, mine has mini packets of sweets, hand and foot massage balls, strongly scented hand cream, crossword books, and a note to remind myself of my anti-anxiety playlists on Spotify.
Red
Sarah, thank you so much for that amazing reply to my blog post. The first aid box is an excellent idea and I am sure people will find it really helpful.
Red x